Lay my burdens down....

Needless to say being back in limbo with the adoption is stressful.  If only we knew what the outcome and rules would be.  It is so hard waiting knowing you may not be able to continue with this program.  I did make the call to my agency and ask them to provide me with the time and additional cost that it would take to switch to the China WC program.  I am certainly not ready to move programs yet but I thought it would be good to have the information at hand if it comes to a travel requirements that we can not do.

 I struggled even with just the call to the agency.  I didn't understand why God would lead us down this path to come to a dead end but Jeff reminded me that God led us down the path to adoption and we were the ones who made the decision for Korea.  So changing programs is not "out" of Gods plan.

This fall we will need to update our adoption paperwork so we figured that is a good amount of time to wait and see what happens with the program.  I figure we will know when the time is right to switch programs.

Yesterday in Sunday school the teacher made one comment that really stuck with me.  He said that we often lay our problems down for God but we go back and pick them up again.  I am so guilty of this.  I decided I need to lay this one down and leave it.  God knows the outcome and I just need to rest assured that he has it under control.  So here is to trying not to pick them up again.

More uncertainty

Well it appears we are back to waiting to see if we can proceed with this adoption again.  Apparently the court judges have changed there minds (again) and have decided to require adoptive parents to appear in court while in Korea.  The details around length of stay or 1 trip vs. 2 are yet to be decided (again).

I am totally ready to see some movement in this program since things have been at a stand still for so long but going back to the point of not knowing if we can continue with this process is GETTING TO BE TOO MUCH.

I am really in need of some firm answers here.  Is Korea just making this stuff up as they go?

Where have all the flowers gone

I am afraid I just made a huge mistake! Our grass has been getting thin the last few years and that makes the yard pretty muddy at times.  With so many children to entertain I am desperate to get outside at times so we made the call to the lawn professionals and they came out yesterday to spray for the weeds and the papers they left said that the weeds would begin to die in around 10 days.  I read it through and thought nothing of it and then last night while lying in bed it hit me.....the dandelions WHAT DID I DO!

I am just waiting for my sweet little girl to come to me in the next few days and ask me where all the flowers in the yard have gone.  Just 2 days ago Carrot and her friend filled a basket with dandelions and just a few days prior she and some neighborhood kids came running up to our yard to gather flowers and I said I thought they were playing down the street and the little girl said but your yard has dandelions and ours doesn't :) 

I remember playing for hours with dandelions ...making necklaces, blowing them into the air when they seed, using them for my "soup" ....ahhhhh I just took away part of her childhood.

9 months since HSTK

9 months of waiting since HSTK and 15 months since beginning this process.

This is a thoughtful place to be.  I know people who announced that they were pregnant after we began this processes and they have gone through their whole pregnancy and their babies are several months old now.

I certainly did not have to wait this long for either of my other two so I think naturally I feel like my wait should be almost up :)

Up to this point it seemed like we had such a lengthy wait ahead of us so you don't think about it to much you just go on with life and time has gone by quickly.  Now I think time is moving slower because I am thinking we COULD get a referral any day now OR wait another 9-12 months....sort of makes it hard to plan.  There are people at our agency that waited 23 months for their referral and then others that only waited 9 months.

I'm not sure if we were actually in a definite waiting order if that would make it easier or harder.

I really wish we could hear about someone (anyone) in this process that has made it through the new court process.  It would be nice to see things moving again. 

On my birthday

I just had a birthday!  My thirties (so far - not out of them yet LOL) has taught me several things. Just a few:

1.  It is ok to make your own birthday cake.  Jeff would be happy to buy me a cake and some years I might take him up on that but it's my birthday and I want my favorite cake so why not just make what I want.  

2.  It is ok for things not to always have to be "planned".

3.  Life is going by fast so I need to try to enjoy everyday.

4.  It is important to remember that each day I have with my kiddos at this age will help mold them into who they will become.....it is a big responsibility.

I was blessed that my birthday ended up being one of the nicest warmest days of the season so far.  We grilled some chicken, squash and zucchini, and of course had rice.

Doesn't that toothless smile just make you happy

Banana wanted to light the candle.  Lessons learned for him:

1.  If you hold the match straight the flame will burn your finger.

2.  If you blow your match out in front of the candle it will blow out the candle as well 

 Jeff after a long day off working on the boat

 Ooney helping himself to a second piece of cake

I am so lucky to have such a special little girl.  She wrote me a card and told me she didn't want me to read it out loud.  She also wrote me a song and sang it to me.  

She wrapped up some of the clay from the boat club that she had been molding and also a pot holder she had made on her weaving loom that just the night before she ask me to finish off for her :)

 I can't ever imagine why I originally wanted two boys....she is the sweetest thing ever.

 Jeff got me a necklace and I really do like it don't get my face wrong.....I asked for and was expecting a carpet cleaner and was still just puzzled that he didn't get me that LOL

He did say he didn't want to get and wrap up a carpet cleaner so I could just go out and get that when I wanted

 It was so nice that JonJon ask Jeff to stop on the way home from school so he could get me something.  He got me a gift card....if only it didn't come with a note that said......

Spring is finally here

Another busy weekend.  Soccer has started along with trying to get the boat ready for the water.  

Lots of buds....spring is coming

Carrot came running over to the boat and said, "you have to see what I found it is the top part of a submarine where you look out of." :)  She really thought she had found the parascope to a submarine.  I had to break it to her that it was just an old pipe.

Skipper decided that he should enjoy the soccer game from Carrot's little chair

I think the best part of the weekend was when we were talking about shapes and Carrot said she knew about TUTTY shapes.  We were all puzzled and then Jeff started laughing and filled up in that he thought she ment 2D shapes.

Easter fun

School was closed Friday and Monday for Easter break so we decided to save our egg dying and just do it with the daycare kids.  It was a fun day and believe it or not we didn't even spill any dye with 8 kids here.

After eggs we made rice crispy treats into birds next.  It was a cute little idea we found on Pinterest.  They turned out great and the kids enjoyed eating them. 

To feel or not to feel

Things have really changed since we began this adoption process almost 15 months ago.   I know there is always uncertainty with this process but I think I have begun to start to guard my emotions lately, almost desensitizing myself to feeling that this may not happen.

Even a month or two ago when the changes were taking place and depending on the travel requirements I knew we could have to potentially pull out of the program I felt like in my heart I was still sure it would all work out, but for some reason recently I am starting to see that this adoption process could in fact leave you empty handed, and if I allow myself to go on emotionally assuming I will be getting a baby at the end of this process I could be left with heartache.

The turmoil with North and South Korea has me concerned of course, but I have not been overly concerned.  I am almost glad we have not gotten a referral yet because if I saw a face and then had to think about Seoul potentially being a target it would be twice as hard, although in reality we probably could already have a baby who has already been born.  These have been interesting thoughts running through my mind lately that have started me on this road to the doubtful adoption.  Then yesterday I read about a situation that I most certainly don't want to face.

 I have been following an adoptive mammas blog and vica versa for almost a year now.  We would comment on each others journey and almost became blog buddies.  We friended on FB and messaged back and forth some.  I have watched her journey for a long time now as we started the process around the same time.  I saw the joy she had when she shared the referral of a sweet baby, I have watched her lovingly gather items to send care packages to her baby, to prepare a nursery in her home, seen her rejoice when new pictures arrived.  She has been assuming for over a year this was her baby.  Now she has lost that baby as the birthmother decided to come back and parent the baby.   The new law has the courts contacting the birthmothers again and in some cases almost 2 years after they made that decision to make an adoption plan for that baby.

I'm sure it is great if the birthmother is able to parent probably best for the child but where does that leave this adoptive mamma.  It leaves her with a broken heart.

The road of international adoption is getting so much harder and complicated.  The process is just too too long,  the cost is outrageous, and the emotional roller-coaster is not easy to ride.  There are 147+ million orphans out there.  These babies deserve a loving home and if these barriers where not so high it would make it so much easier for loving families.