To feel or not to feel

Things have really changed since we began this adoption process almost 15 months ago.   I know there is always uncertainty with this process but I think I have begun to start to guard my emotions lately, almost desensitizing myself to feeling that this may not happen.

Even a month or two ago when the changes were taking place and depending on the travel requirements I knew we could have to potentially pull out of the program I felt like in my heart I was still sure it would all work out, but for some reason recently I am starting to see that this adoption process could in fact leave you empty handed, and if I allow myself to go on emotionally assuming I will be getting a baby at the end of this process I could be left with heartache.

The turmoil with North and South Korea has me concerned of course, but I have not been overly concerned.  I am almost glad we have not gotten a referral yet because if I saw a face and then had to think about Seoul potentially being a target it would be twice as hard, although in reality we probably could already have a baby who has already been born.  These have been interesting thoughts running through my mind lately that have started me on this road to the doubtful adoption.  Then yesterday I read about a situation that I most certainly don't want to face.

 I have been following an adoptive mammas blog and vica versa for almost a year now.  We would comment on each others journey and almost became blog buddies.  We friended on FB and messaged back and forth some.  I have watched her journey for a long time now as we started the process around the same time.  I saw the joy she had when she shared the referral of a sweet baby, I have watched her lovingly gather items to send care packages to her baby, to prepare a nursery in her home, seen her rejoice when new pictures arrived.  She has been assuming for over a year this was her baby.  Now she has lost that baby as the birthmother decided to come back and parent the baby.   The new law has the courts contacting the birthmothers again and in some cases almost 2 years after they made that decision to make an adoption plan for that baby.

I'm sure it is great if the birthmother is able to parent probably best for the child but where does that leave this adoptive mamma.  It leaves her with a broken heart.

The road of international adoption is getting so much harder and complicated.  The process is just too too long,  the cost is outrageous, and the emotional roller-coaster is not easy to ride.  There are 147+ million orphans out there.  These babies deserve a loving home and if these barriers where not so high it would make it so much easier for loving families.